Abbott & Costello
Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. The Yankee's manager gave me a job as coach for as long as your on the team.
Costello: Look Abbott, if your the coach, you must know all the players.
Abbott: I certainly do.
Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.
Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...
Costello: His brother Daffy
Abbott: Daffy Dean...
Costello: And their French cousin.
Abbott: French?
Costello: Goofe'
Abbott: Goofe' Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...
Costello: That's what I want to find out.
Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You gonna be the coach too?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names.
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who's on first?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow's name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The first baseman.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playing...
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: I'm asking you who's on first.
Abbott: That's the man's name.
Costello: That's who's name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's who?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Who's playing first?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Abbott: Every dollar of it.
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy that gets...
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Who gets the money...
Abbott: He does, every dollar of it. Sometimes his wife comes down and coll-
ects it.
Costello: Who's wife?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Abbott: What's wrong with that?
CoI wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how
does he sign his name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: How does he sign...
Abbott: That's how he signs it.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.
Abbott: No. What is on second base.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: One base at a time!
Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.tello: I'm not changing nobody!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: Ok.
Abbott: Alright.
PAUSE
Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?
Abbott: No. What is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third, we're not talking about him.
Costello: Now how did I get on third base?
Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.
Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing
third?
Abbott: No. Who's playing first.
Costello: What's on base?
Abbott: What's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third.
Costello: There I go, back on third again!
PAUSE
Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.
Abbott: Alright, what do you want to know?
Costello: Now who's playing third base?
Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
Costello: What am I putting on third.
Abbott: No. What is on second.
Costello: You don't want who on second?
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Together: Third base!
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.
Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field.
Abbott: Who's playing first.
Costello: I'm not...stay out of the infield!!! I want to know what's the
guy's name in left field?
Abbott: No, What is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first!
Costello: I don't know.
Together: Third base!
PAUSE
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: Because!
Abbott: Oh, he's center field.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The pitcher's name?
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don't want to tell me today?
Abbott: I'm telling you now.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbott: Tomorrow!
Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching.
Costello: I'll break your arm if you say who's on first!!! I want to know
what's the pitcher's name?
Abbott: What's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Together: Third base!
PAUSE
Costello: Gotta a catcher?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: The catcher's name?
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.
Abbott: Now you've got it.
Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.
PAUSE
Costello: You know I'm a catcher too.
Abbott: So they tell me.
Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitch-
ing on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter
bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher,
I'm gonna throw the guy out at first. So I pick up the ball and
throw it to who?
Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
PAUSE
Abbott: That's all you have to do.
Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: Now who's got it?
Abbott: Naturally.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it.
Now who has it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott: No you don't you throw the ball to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's different.
Costello: That's what I said.
Abbott: Your not saying it...
Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.
Abbott: You throw it to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's what I said!
Abbott: You ask me.
Costello: I throw the ball to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Now you ask me.
Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU!!! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!
Abbott: What?
Costello: I said I don't give a darn!
Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.
THE END
Written in 1908 by Jack Norworth and Albert Von Tilzer
Katie Casey was baseball mad
had the fever and had it bad
Just to root for the home town crew
every sou*, Katie blew
On a Saturday her young beau
called to see if she'd like to go
to see a show but Miss Kate said "No,
"I'll tell you what you can do..."
CHORUS
Take me out to the ball game
take me out to the crowd
buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack
I don't care if I never get back
So it's root, root, root for the home team
if they don't win it's a shame
for it's one, two, three strikes you're out
at the old ball game
SECOND VERSE
Katie Casey saw all the games
knew all the players by their first names
told the umpire he was wrong
all along, good and strong
When the score was just two to two
cagey Casey knew what to do
just to cheer up the boys she knew
she made the gang sing this song
CHORUS
Take me out to the ball game
take me out to the crowd
buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack
I don't care if I never get back
So it's root, root, root for the home team
if they don't win it's a shame
for it's one, two, three strikes you're out
at the old ball game
Here are a few of them.....
"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up I change bats....
After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"
"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."
"You give a hundred percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough,
in the second half you give what's left."
"Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore, it's too crowded."
Carmen Berra: "Yogi, I went to see Dr. Zhivago today."
Yogi: "Now what's wrong with you?"
Larry Berra to his father: "Hey, Dad, the man is here for the venetian blind."
Yogi: Well, go in my pocket and give him a couple of bucks for a donation and get rid of him.
"[When introduced to writer Ernest Hemingway] Yeah, what paper you write for, Ernie?"
"It gets late early out there"
"I really didn't say everything I said"
"Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical."
"You can observe a lot by watching."
"In baseball, you don't know nothing."
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
"It's deja vu all over again."
"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
"Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"
"I usually take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."
"If people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's going to stop them."
"Why buy good luggage? You only see it when you travel."
Hey Yogi, what time is it?
"You mean now?"
On being asked his cap size at the beginning of spring training.
"I don't know, I'm not in shape."
On why the Yankees lost the 1960 series to Pittsburgh:
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
On Rickey Henderson:
"He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light."
On Ted Williams:
"He is a big clog in their machine."
On being told by the wife of New York Mayor John V. Lindsay that he looked cool despite the heat:
"You don't look so hot, either."
On Yogi Berra appreciation day in St. Louis 1947:
"I want to thank you all for making this day necessary."
On the tight 1973 National League pennant race:
"It ain't over 'til its over."
On being asked why Johnny Bench hit more homeruns than he did:
"Most of his homeruns were hit on artificial turf."
"Eighty percent of putts that fall short don't go in."
by Ernest L. Thayer
1888
Click here to listen to this classic!
The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Mudville nine that day,
The score stood four to two, with but one inning more to play.
And then when Cooney died at first, and Barrows did the same,
A pall-like silence fell upon the patrons of the game.
A straggling few got up to go in deep despair.
The rest clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast.
They thought, "if only Casey could but get a whack at that.
We'd put up even money now, with Casey at the bat."
But Flynn preceded Casey, as did also Jimmy Blake;
and the former was a hoodoo, while the latter was a cake.
So upon that stricken multitude, grim melancholy sat;
for there seemed but little chance of Casey getting to the bat.
But Flynn let drive a single, to the wonderment of all.
And Blake, the much despised, tore the cover off the ball.
And when the dust had lifted, and men saw what had occurred,
there was Jimmy safe at second and Flynn a-hugging third.
Then from five thousand throats and more there rose a lusty yell;
it rumbled through the valley, it rattled in the dell;
it pounded through on the mountain and recoiled upon the flat;
for Casey, mighty Casey, was advancing to the bat.
There was ease in Casey's manner as he stepped into his place,
there was pride in Casey's bearing and a smile lit Casey's face.
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat,
no stranger in the crowd could doubt t'was Casey at the bat.
Ten thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt.
Five thousand tongues applauded when he wiped them on his shirt.
Then, while the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hip,
defiance flashed in Casey's eye, a sneer curled Casey's lip.
And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air,
and Casey stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur there.
Close by the sturdy batsman the ball unheeded sped --
"That ain't my style," said Casey. "Strike one!" the umpire said.
From the benches, black with people, there went up a muffled roar,
like the beating of the storm waves on a stern and distant shore.
"Kill him! Kill the umpire!" shouted someone on the stand,
and it's likely they'd have killed him had not Casey raised his hand.
With a smile of Christian charity, great Casey's visage shone,
he stilled the rising tumult, he bade the game go on.
He signaled to the pitcher, and once more the dun sphere flew,
but Casey still ignored it, and the umpire said, "Strike two!"
"Fraud!" cried the maddened thousands, and echo answered "Fraud!"
But one scornful look from Casey and the audience was awed.
They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscles strain,
and they knew that Casey wouldn't let that ball go by again.
The sneer has fled from Casey's lip, the teeth are clenched in hate.
He pounds, with cruel violence, his bat upon the plate.
And now the pitcher holds the ball, and now he lets it go,
and now the air is shattered by the force of Casey's blow.
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright.
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.
And, somewhere men are laughing, and little children shout,
but there is no joy in Mudville -
mighty Casey has struck out.
Folks who love baseball will always remember and quote Casey, even if it's just the most famous portion of the last line. The poem is part of baseball, just as is the playing of the National Anthem or singing, Take Me Out to the Ball Game during the seventh inning stretch.
Casey at the Bat - the story
It's Saturday September 3, 1887. The Mudville Nine are playing a baseball game. It's the bottom of the ninth inning and the home team is losing 4 runs to 2 runs. The Mudville Nine need the power of their right fielder's bat to win the game.
Brian Kavanagh Casey, age 28, is a Mudville native. At the time of the game, Mudville's star right fielder has a batting average of .504 with 200 runs scored and 99 homeruns hit.
But Casey is the fifth batter due up in the inning so it isn't even certain he'll get to the plate. Especially after shortstop Scooter Cooney and first baseman Otis Barrows, make two quick outs. Casey's chances to perform heroics are fading dramatically.
But the third batter up is leftfielder Peter "Rough-House" Flynn and he hits a single. The next batter, third baseman and dance band leader James Elmer "Bobo" Blake, blasts a double.
So, yes, mighty Casey will be coming to the plate...
